February112012

Triste

Triste
​Comme les pièces de monnaie dans une fontaine
Triste
​Comme l’effritement de photographies anciennes
Triste
​Comme les feuilles qui flottent sur une rivière
Triste
​Comme la phalène qui fait le tour d’une lumière
Triste
​Comme avoir les rêves deviennent cauchemars
Triste
​Comme l’enfant qui est trop vieux pour faire croire

​Comme les mots qui ne sont pas parlés
​Comme le thé que personne ne sirotait
​Comme l’homme que la fortune a abandonné
​Comme les arbres noirs et tordus après un incendie de forêt

Triste
​Comme les coquillages qui échouent sur la rive
Triste
​Comme la poussière qui est assise sur les livres
Triste
​Comme un sourire qui n’est pas sincère
Triste
​Comme les larmes des anges qui tombent sur la terre
Triste
​Comme la signature évanouissement d’une lettre
Triste
​Comme un toile vierge sans personne pour le peindre

​Comme le cœur qui est trop peur d’aimer
​Comme un vieux cadre photo avec du verre brisé
​Comme une bougie qui n’est jamais allumée
​Comme les objets sans propriétaire dans un magasin d’antiquités

Triste
​Comme un cuirassé de quitter le port
Triste
​Comme la lumière des étoiles qui sont déjà mortes
Triste
​Comme la confiance qui a été trahi
Triste
​Comme la teinte orange d’un réverbère à minuit
Triste
​Comme le soleil qui s’enfonce sous l’eau
Triste
​Comme à chaque instant qui ne peut pas être vécu à nouveau

February52012

Grey Thoughts Under an Orange Street Light

Sometimes I wonder 

what it’d be like

to lay upon the tracks

and let the train go by.

November292011
October42011

The Human Race

The most terrible creatures on the planet.

They LIE. CHEAT. STEAL. BETRAY.

I don’t think there is an animal that can inflict more harm on a person than one of their own.

And I hate them.

People lie. Often straight to your face. Telling you exactly what it is you want to hear. Or don’t want to hear for that matter. It could be a life altering lie or it could be a little white lie. It may not even be a flat out lie. It could just be a lie of omission. Regardless of the type of lie, it is still not telling the truth.

People cheat. They use situations to their advantage in order to get the best possible outcome for themselves. No matter the cost. People are not honest. If they see an opportunity to improve their position, they will take it, ignoring explicit or understood rules.

People steal. They take what they want even if it belongs to someone else. They don’t care if it’s wrong. It could be a trinket, an object of sentimental value, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or your entire life. If they want something, people will go to any lengths to get it as easily as possible. And usually that means taking it from you.

People betray. They manipulate you into trusting them, and then exploit that trust. Or break it. People don’t care about the people they hurt. If you are useful to them at that moment, they will keep you around. Otherwise, you’re gone. They are animals that are quick to turn on their own kind. Everyone betrays. So don’t trust anyone. It doesn’t end well.

July252011

To Robert

You will never read this, which perhaps is just as well. You wouldn’t like it anyway. But, that is the point of this to begin with, I suppose. To write something you would be upset by. I could write about my distant past, reiterating disturbing and gut wrenching experiences that would leave you with tears on your face. I could write about my future, how I will live my life with someone else, happily, without you in the picture, without a thought of you again, while you will be plagued with thoughts of me. But alas, I don’t want to write about either of those things. I want to write about what you wrote to me.

In all honesty, I was planning on saving the hastily written letter you wrote me in Gov. Saving it so to remember. Remember the feeling of complete and utter betrayal. I had thought about immortalizing your words on the internet, on tumblr, but I did not want the pity that would ensue. Pity is for the weak. But your letter did give me pause. While you did not know me as well as you thought, you knew me the best of any.

I began to wonder if your letter had any truth to it. And that scared me.

For all intents and purposes, your letter had to be the most hurtful piece of hate mail I had ever received. You turned my past, my reservations, my worst fears against me. Calling me a liar, an emotionless husk, a person incapable of love, a creature unable to feel, a soulless monster. Your words resonated within me for weeks, latching on to every doubt and worry.

Parasite.

I must congratulate you on your success with that letter. I became emotionally paralyzed, unable or unwilling to express emotion or affection for fear of being eviscerated again. It has taken me a long time to heal.

But I did learn something. Something that I did not realize until later. That I would not put up with emotional abuse again. For that is exactly what it was. The countless phone calls always resulting in me feeling lesser than dirt, like a horrible human being, the endless guilt and crying. I let you walk all over me. Never is that happening again.

Do you remember the bracelet I made you? The one you gave back to me? I keep it on my keyring now. As a reminder.

A reminder of who I am not, who I will never be, and the types of people I do not want in my life. Ever.

People always say that first impressions count the most. I disagree. It is the final ones that last forever.

July112011

I wish I knew

     I haven’t posted anything on here in a long time. Things have been rather busy and overall wonderful, so there has been no need to use this. But right now, I’m just a turmoil of emotions that I just don’t know what to do with.
     I am incredibly happy. That I know for sure. Chris has made me happier than I have ever been. I have said before that I was in love, and at that moment in time, I was. When my friendship with Robert feel to pieces, and he accused me of being heartless and unable to love, I doubted I could ever love again. I was afraid to love. I was afraid to be hurt like that again. But somehow Chris managed to convince me to take another shot at it. And it was worth it.
     With him I feel complete, as pathetic sounding as it is. It isn’t just a physical attraction between us, but something deeper, more powerful. There’s a lightness inside of me that I have never felt before. It’s hard to even describe. It’s both weightless and bright. It’s as if someone has lifted the weight off my shoulders as well as reached down inside of me and deposited a seed that bloomed into a light as bright as New York City at night. It radiates through every inch of my body, making me feel as if I am glowing. Re-reading that sounds ridiculous, but I don’t know how else to describe it. At the same time, he keeps me grounded. Like the compass metaphor in Pyle’s class, no matter how far I go, I will always come back to him. He is my anchor, my rock. He is the reason to my nonsense and the reassurance to my uncertainty.
     It also helps that he makes me feel loved and cherished. No one has ever told me how beautiful I am with as much sincerity in their eyes as him. No one has ever put my happiness in front of their own. No one has ever given me a reason to love myself and my life until Chris. I feel important and valued, appreciated even. My smallest quirks earn the biggest smiles. And I feel incredibly lucky.
     I am totally and completely in love with him. There are no hesitations or reservations in that. He has given me his heart and I have given him mine. Everyone says that high school relationships don’t last, but I pray to God that this one will. I see a future with him, and he says he wants one with me. Is it too childish to hope that this wish comes true?
     But that’s the catch. I want a future with him, but now I’m going off to Oregon for college. And that terrifies me. Not only living away from my family, but the risk of losing Chris. I know it will be hard, but we are going to try long distance. I believe our love is strong enough to last, but I pray that nothing bad will happen. I don’t know what would happen if I lost Chris. It’s scary and unbelievable to even think about a future without him. I’m scared enough that I even considered withdrawing from Willamette to stay down here and go to community college. He is the one for me. There is no one else and no other chances. I need to get this right. I don’t want to leave him. Just the thought of that makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I hope that he won’t find another girl in one of his classes that he decides to date because she is closer. I hope that he loves me as much as he says. I hope that my dreams will come true and that these feelings of anxiousness and worry will go away.

June52011
herheartstaysgolden:

 
Health:
Drink plenty of water.                                                                           
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
Play more games.
Read more books than you did in 2010.
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
Sleep for 7 hours.
Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
Dream more while you are awake.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Smile and laugh more.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Society:
Call your family often.
Each day give something good to others.
Forgive everyone for everything.
Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
Try to make at least three people smile each day.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
Do the right thing!
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
The best is yet to come.
Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

herheartstaysgolden:

Health:

  1. Drink plenty of water.                                                                           
  2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
  3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
  4. Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
  5. Play more games.
  6. Read more books than you did in 2010.
  7. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
  8. Sleep for 7 hours.
  9. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.


Personality:

  1. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  2. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
  3. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
  4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
  5. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
  6. Dream more while you are awake.
  7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  8. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
  9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
  10. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
  11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
  12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
  13. Smile and laugh more.
  14. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.


Society:

  1. Call your family often.
  2. Each day give something good to others.
  3. Forgive everyone for everything.
  4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
  5. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
  6. What other people think of you is none of your business.
  7. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.


Life:

  1. Do the right thing!
  2. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
  3. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  4. The best is yet to come.
  5. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

(via herheartstaysgolden-deactivated)

April212011

I absolutely Love my boyfriend

There is just no denying it.

Honestly, I don’t think I actually knew what real love was until Chris came into my life. :)

March62011

In Remembrance…

Of those I have lost this year. R.S. M.C. K.B. M.N. A.H. L.B. B.M. K.N. E.A. R.B. T.C. S.H. K.G. M.R. D.S. T.B. W.T.

February222011

Some days,

I wish I had never become involved in theater at school. This is one of those days. When I can’t stand sitting in those seats. Thoroughly despise the people around me. Furious at the lack of things to do. Hating every minute I have to be there.

Unfortunately, it’s too late to switch out.

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